ode to jason derulo

jason.

it's time that we have a chat,

things have gotten out of hand.

you've been a part of my life since the seventh grade,

but never like this.

you've managed to pop-lock-and-drop yourself

right into every aspect of my life--

whether it's your catchy-ass songs on the radio,

or your caramel brown face showin' up on my tv every Monday

night

sportin' them pearly whites and that douchey gold chain.

but it's okay.

because you're beautiful.

BUT SIR

you've crossed a line.

you moonwalked right across it like it was nothin.

I learned the hard way that guys who sing cannot be trusted,

and men who dance are always out of my league.

you are a hybrid of the absolute worst kind.

but when you belt that high note I pass out a little

and when your performances hit that dance section

and you go ham sammich *woo*

wooooaahhh I can't stand it.

when you sit at that judges table on So You Think You Can Dance

you sit there like it's your throne, and you own that shit

Oh, and when you start dropping that dance terminology, like:

jete, pirouette, fouette, arabesque, pique

FORGET IT, I'M DEAD

I can't get over the wild look in your eye you get when you watch a dance routine

kind of like the look I get when I see an unopened bag of barbecue chips

and jason, honey, in my personal, eighteen year old opinion,

YOU ARE STRAIGHT UP DANGEROUS.

you seriously make me "de-drool-o"

and this is the worst case of bad boy fever I've ever had.

i don't respect any of your life decisions,

a lot of your lyrics are actually pretty trashy,

and you're probably the douchiest of all the bags,

but Is it weird that your eyes remind me of a Coldplay song?

you post way too many drunk videos on your snapchat story,

the ink of your tattoos could write a novel,

and I will never be anything like the girls in your videos (thank goodness)

but you got me in this club making wedding plans.

And most of all, Mr. Jason Derulo,

I really really really hate that I might be in an imaginary type of love with you.

*trumpets play*

I never meant to fall in love