somewhere beneath

i wish i could tell you what it's like

9.9.16

to watch the person you love become
consumed
swallowed up
trapped
suffocated by their own body
a body that no longer belongs to them
but a body that they belong to

i wish i could tell you what it's like

to look at the person you love
and have to search for them in their eyes
to sort through gasping breaths & worried glances

i wish i could tell you what it's like
when you can't find them anymore.


he's in there somewhere, and i think that's the hardest part.


somewhere beneath the oxygen tubes
the heavy, pale skin
the slowing speech
the rattling chest

somewhere beneath the cancer

there is my dad.

the man who taught me
faith in all things
kindness to all
aggression in sports
balance in riding a bike
balance in life
courage in choosing the harder way
stability to stand tall

he's there

somewhere beneath the pain

he is there


i squeezed his hand three times like I always have
and he squeezed back four times like he always has
"i
love
you
too"


i wish i could tell you what it's like

to wish he wasn't there
to wish that he could be released
to wish that he could find relief
to wish that he could finally be at peace
to wish that he would leave me

i wish i could tell you what it's like