disconnect.

The dots connected 

enough times for us 

to make this work 

but the dots stopped 

the day we decided to try

a shoreline

a door knob

a hand of yours

to call mine

Barely out of reach

a missed train

a flight delay

a beautiful sunset

flooded by rain

It just wasn't meant to be. 

love is just a bunch of things I hate

For me, falling in love is like

A tongue twister

You can try and try

And the words still won’t come out right

And the only reason for a tongue twister

Is to make you fool

But love does that too

For me, falling in love is like

Internet Explorer

I’m still waiting for a connection

I'm getting impatient

For me, falling in love is like

Claustrophobia

Thoughts of you are closing in around my heart

And my skin feels too thin--

Like you can see my every heartbeat…

Especially when the racing starts

For me, falling in love is like

Airport security

I’m sending my soul through the scanner

Hoping not to raise any red flags…

As you’re watching my every move

I feel like you can see right through me

And this feels more like airport insecurity--

the way this tile floor feels extremely cold

without my shoes on

For me, falling in love is like

Bad Chinese food.

It’s nauseating.

But I'll admit, I still love Chinese food.

First it was “hey, do you wanna order some takeout?”

And now it’s 3AM and I’m love sick on the bathroom floor

Feeling feverish thinking about good-byes that I’m dreading to say

But I’ll feel better tomorrow

For me, falling in love is like

Running a marathon—I’ve never ran a marathon… 

but I’m two shallow breaths away from an asthma attack

and I keep running because for some reason, 

reaching the finish line is more important than my ability to breathe.

I’m wheezin’

I’m trying to keep up while trying to slow down

I don’t want to tell you how I feel…

I just bought these brand new Nikes

hoping they’d make me “just do it”

but I’ve already got 4 blisters, and I think these shoes are too big.

On the other hand, I noticed that you’re wearing converse--which you keep pristinely white, by the way--and you leave intricate footprints with every step

I’ve never been able to walk with that much perfection

For you, falling in love is also like

Running a marathon—

Except for you, it’s more of a leisurely jog

You’ve done this a thousand times

You’re passing everyone up in this race

You do it without even breaking a sweat

And I’m afraid that means your slow jog

Will always be faster than my sprint

And that my marathons

Are just another walk around your block

caution tape

last night at 9:27 I didn't hate being in the back seat.
because it was a front row seat to your glances into the rearview
and our eyes met more than once.

at 9:49 you sat across the table
they joked and laughed and somehow my eyes kept finding you
i was afraid it was too much
but your eyes didn't go unnoticed either
and it was just a glance--
but it was more than one
and i began to wonder

i pretended i didn't hear you
when you made your smart remarks
or when you mumbled something about
wanting to take me home
under your breath
i pretended i didn't hear you
but i smiled
because i did.

i tried too hard like i always do
i told you that last fall i had mono twice
to make you think i'd kissed a boy
and i don't know why that matters but
i was trying too hard like i always do
making jokes that weren't funny
but you still laughed
and that's when i knew
something was happening

i'm not talking about love
or "like"
or even attraction,
i'm talking about
nitrogen, lithium, fluorine, magnesium
i'm talking about chemical reactions
i'm hydrogen
you're oxygen
the heat seems to be rising
but i'm afraid of the explosion

all i know is that your eyes are a fire hazard
and you have caution tape across your lips
i'm trying to read my gut feeling,
but there are too many butterflies in my stomach

my head and my heart are trekking across no-man's-land
knowing well that there will be no peace treaty
my head says "be smart"
my heart says "follow me"
and they don't agree on many things.

at 10:36 I drove home
well over the speed limit
because my heart was racing
and I was doing my best to beat it.

now it's 11:29 on day two and it still hasn't stopped...
but all i can see is the bright yellow caution tape across your lips.

trees, love, & other things

her name was ever-green.

her leaves never lost color

and she never had a dry season.

she was deeply rooted, and easily seen

she was the tallest of all the trees.

her name was ever-green.

one day he saw her standing on her tip-toes

trying to touch the sky,

he hoped she was reaching for him

as she was the most beautiful thing

he had seen up this high.

he kissed her every day the sun went away,

just trying to get her attention.

she gave him the time of night,

but rarely the time of day;

because once the sun came out,

he didn't matter to her in any way.

on cold days he wrapped her in white blankets,

but still she preferred to sun-bathe.

he was a cloud, she was a tree

but no matter how much he tried,

he could never win the love of she.

his persistence was admired,

but not by who he thought;

unaware that every time he showered down

his touch reached a little further--

turning the soil into mud.

the soil, she soaked up his tears

when no one else could or would,

and wrapped herself in his white blankets,

hidden shaded from the sun.

she was in love with the cloud

but knew she would never be seen

because she could never reach as high,

or stand as tall

as the lovely, miss ever-green.

the soil slept every night beneath the trees,

just hoping for a storm...

knowing that alone her beauty,

could never captivate the cloud all on its own.

the tree dreamt of the sun,

the cloud dreamt of the tree,

the soil dreamt of the cloud--

and still none of them realized,

that their love was far out of their league

they reached for skies that would never be theirs,

because they had big dreams

of love and of being loved 

by someone who made them feel completely free.

love has no limits,

except for the ones we set ourselves

but often we are too busy pining for someone else

to see that there is other love out there

that will love us back

the way we deserve.

the anatomy of a broken heart

It's been 4 months

and just the other day I started having chest pains.

Last December I ordered an autopsy

on this broken heart of mine,

trying to identify where the damage would lie...

Their first findings were the stab wounds

intricately shaped like every word you ever said

and even larger, gaping, gashes for the words you never did.

The word "arrhythmia" escaped their lips

and I knew exactly what caused that:

It was the first time our eyes met...

I'm pretty sure my heart never beat regularly again.

Then they discovered the tear of the atrium.

I think it tore a little more

every time you said my name

or glanced at me from afar

or wrote me back at 3am

or wrapped me in your arms

Next they said "heart attack"--

Not enough oxygen to keep this heart pumping

first impressions

late nights

long distances

making promises

telling lies

the day I found out

time after time you robbed me of my breath,

putting me under cardiac arrest.

(seriously man, not cool--It's bad enough that I have asthma)

"Ventricular Tachycardia"

light-headed (light-minded)

rapid heart beats,

heart palpitations...

it felt like love

but it was just 

miscommunication

They detected high blood pressure,

and found finger prints scarred across the arteries

I was convinced the prints were yours

but the doctor informed me that the person I fell in love with,

is the person you are no more.

It's been 4 months and I just started having chest pains.

But at least it's evidence

that so far my heart still hasn't failed me.

my heart's not failing 

it's just broken.

my heart's not failing

it's just broken.

It's been 4 months.

My heart's not failing.

I'm just having chest pains.

flash backs

I remember fluffy scrunchies and colored hair clips.

I remember single-colored (usually hot pink) sweat outfits.

I remember my first piano teacher and the photograph in the front room.

I remember that Max's Ride was the first book I ever learned how to read.

I remember when Milk and Chicken Noodle Soup made up my favorite meal.

I remember the lady with the pink driveway and the funny-smelling house.


I remember my first email address gymnastgirl_96@msn.com

I remember the Berenstein Bears.

I remember knowing the names of every dog in the neighborhood.

I remember light-up sneakers and platform flip-flops.

I remember hitting myself in the face with a microphone at the 3rd grade Christmas Program.

I remember the Suite Life of Zack & Cody game on the Disney Channel website.

I remember always wanting one of those barbie birthday cakes at Albertson's.

I remember Reese's Pieces :(

I remember grandpa's blue boat.
I remember he always had a stash of Ruffle's Cheddar Chips in there.

I remember the Christmas that our family got our first DVD player.

I remember the fourth grade spelling bee. I got out on the word "bridle." I spelled it "bridal."

I remember Sim's.

I remember code names like Dinner, Jordan River, Pizza, Triple B, etc, etc.


I remember neon duct tape jewelry.

I remember Funyun's.

I remember how much Mr. Hughes scared me.

I remember prank calling some guy named Gaylord that we found in the phone book.

I remember Diddy Kong Racing and Mario Party and Super Smash Brothers and Banjo Kazooie.

I remember red vans.

I remember the pig stuffed animal at girl's camp.

I remember when my brother's friends had blue and green and red hair.

I remember joy school and finger painting and books like "Piggy Pie"

I remember seeing star wars the night I broke my arm while my parents were out of town.

I remember the Beethoven movies.
And Land Before Time.
And Homeward Bound.
And Ninja Turtles.

I remember that the water at grandpa's condo tasted funny.

I remember when I saw that lady have a seizure.

I remember when I actually thought crafts were fun.

I remember hyperventilating at swim team tryouts when I was like 9 hahahahahaha.

I remember when my mom would take me to the library.

I remember the rabbits at the cemetery.

I remember striped sweaters and tanned skin.

I remember too-long hair.

I remember old school t-shirts and 3 a.m. on New Years Day.

I remember weird socks and tripping over chairs.

I remember first impressions.

I remember lasting impressions.

i am

I am new beginnings

and feet that haven't learned to walk,

but I will do so one day

and pave my own path

every step of the way.

I am following in your footsteps

and trying to fill too big shoes too quick

because daddy,

I want to be just like you

and I don't know how else to do it.

I am youth.

I am seventh through twelfth grade

trying to be my own color

but still making sure I fit the mold

of all the others walking this same

rough terrain.

I am the blisters

and the aching muscles

and the bruised bones

and the strength that follows

and the pain that allows

all of this

beauty to take place.

I am resilience,

dedication,

and

perseverance beyond the failures;

I am greatness.

I am brave,

risking my life;

I am marching

day by day

sacrificing myself

for the freedom

of those I love.

I am despised,

hated,

 and pretty damn ugly,

but also

a little

misunderstood.

I am a legend.

Those who try

to walk in my shoes

will find that they will never fit

anyone's feet but mine.

Because legends

never die.

I am promises;

for better,

for worse,

for in-between.

I am taking the path

with your footsteps

parallel to mine.

I am the small things.

I am the moments 

when time stops

and rain falls,

I am enjoying life

among the storms.

I am endurance.

I continue through the pain,

eyes fixed on my destination.

I know I'm headed for the finish line

but I'll do my best to enjoy the journey

until I make it there.