ashes

paris is in ashes
and i'm aching for a clean slate

a blank canvas
isn't that why artists come here in the first place?

maybe somewhere along the way
I got lost in the taste of the eclairs
and the architecture
and I spent too much time
in front of the mona lisa

maybe I stopped noticing the cracks in the side walks
or ignored the places where it smelled like big city

but now,
paris is in ashes

and i'm wondering...
is this where i'm supposed to be?

stuck in the complacency of the way things used to be?

because somewhere along the way, alta june changed
somewhere between transferring tassels
and first kisses
and game day screams
and late night drives
and loss
and grief
and more grief
and heartbreak
and healing
and 3 hour road trips
and falling in love
and getting a real job

alta june grew up.

so maybe it's time to rise from the ashes,
to explore new horizons,
to fill my passport with stamps
of places i've never heard of,
to try speaking languages other than french

and write about things that matter to me, today.

because i've changed. . .
i'm not the same a.j. that arrived in paris four years ago.
the things that mattered to me then
and the things that matter to me now--
they're different.
and i'm different.

but i'm still
alta june

and I still have things to say.

hurricane's eye

even when the wind
sends me whip lashing in every direction

even when the tide pulls me in
sinking far below the surface

even when i'm drowning in deadlines
and i'm swimming against the current

i find refuge here with you
my eye of the hurricane


you are tranquility amid turbulence
even on the most arduous days

so go ahead, send out all the storm warnings
send out all the signs
tell me all the reasons I shouldn't brave this weather

hazards may fall, conditions may be severe
but it doesn't matter

because here with you,
my eye of the hurricane

i'm always going to be just fine

autumn.rain

tonight we leave the window cracked

because lightning strikes make us feel alive

pitter-patter

full-out downpour

maybe we like the sound of hydroplaning

because it's just extreme puddle jumping

and we are tired of tip toeing

tonight when we crack the window

and untwist the blinds

we embrace simplicity

& fall in love with the ordinary

it's you and me

hands intertwined

beneath the sheets 

and with every raindrop that falls

i

         fall

                          in love

                                                with

our

               simple     

                                    little

                                                   life

over due

I'm sorry that I've never written you a poem
or documented us this way
but every time I look into your eyes
they tell the whole story, better than I could tell it myself

and like a child my heart yearns
"tell me again,
tell me the story again"

And with one look in your eyes I see

me scraping the bottom of my cup,
smiling the whole drive home

and the night picnic under the stars

how we kept scooting closer together
both unsure of the limits

a hammock, a nasty view
and your heart racing against my ear

the night I told you everything
and you just listened.

blankets in your backyard
and even though we just had our first fight,
realizing that I loved you

the driving realization
that you're a lot like my dad

a dark parking lot
and an "iloveyou"
and an
"iloveyou...too"

how could I possibly tell the whole story
of how I continue to fall in love with you

how could I possibly put into words
every little thing you do

and even though I am just brushing the surface,
this poem is long, long over due.

defrost (04.09)

i still remember freezing

and wishing the traffic light wouldn't ever turn green

your ears were cold

i could feel them when i whispered

my hands went numb

and i thought you were just too nervous

snow fell that night

you fell too, but only physically 

my feet were cold

but i guess now we know

yours were colder

it snowed today

and i think that's what reminded me

dad I owe you an apology (04.08)

I'm sorry I talk about myself

It's just that today was the first time

I haven't felt alone

In a room full of strangers

All eyes on you

Kind eyes

Listening eyes

Eyes that have seen

The same things yours have 

They've seen the same kind of pain

and denial

and felt sorry for themselves too, I bet

Dad I owe you an apology

I cried about you today

But I didn't mention everything

I cried about the pain but ignored the progress

I cried about how alone I felt but didn't mention how
you were there for me in the midst of your own suffering 

I cried about no one understanding,
yet I am the one who will never understand

I cried about how you're gone
but left out all the times I've felt you here since

Dad I owe you an apology

I cried about you today

But I need to be better at paying attention

I'm sorry I cried to you while you were suffering

I'm sorry I cried to you about your suffering

As if you could have changed it

I still cry about it

And I know that will not change

But Dad I owe you an apology

You gave me all the strength in the world

I'm just sorry I haven't figured out how to use it without you yet

where is my rescuer? (04.07)

my hope is that one of these days

you'll stop sending out lifelines--

that you'll be humble enough to put your hand in this freezing cold water

and have the strength to pull me into the boat with you