white noise

tests

papers

projects

finals

bills

assignments

credits

alarm clocks

bank accounts

passing biology

idiot guys

loading the dishwasher

roommate drama

emptying the dishwasher

jobs

going to the gym

eating

laundry

looking nice

taking notes

my march madness bracket

going to class

gas money

cleaning checks

getting out of bed

they seem important--

but it's all just white noise.

you think it matters...

and a week ago, so did I.

i never knew how fast the world could flip upside down. 

i know it's always rotating

ever-changing

but for me it took two seconds--

two syllables that changed everything

the sky fell that day.

and it felt like it didn't fall on anyone but me.

first my heart felt nothing

but my panicked lungs hyperventilated

then I felt everything

and with a heart that full, I suffocated

have you ever heard a word become a time-bomb?

I have.

and when I looked around to see the potential casualties, I saw myself included.

I saw the fear in dad's eyes.

two syllables have never scared me more:

can-cer.

since then, everything else has been white noise.

I love you Dad.

i am not your ash tray

i put my heart in the palm of your hand
and you set it aside
suffocating me with your complacence

while i fought for every breath
you smoked your cigars
one by one
losing me in the smoke behind you

you're addicted to the power
you're addicted to the upper-hand
you're addicted to feeling like a wanted man

you were never in this for me.

my chest was heavy
my ribcage frail
as my lungs began to collapse
i prepared to take one last breath

but in an instant my eyes were opened,
the weight in my chest lightened

sudden resuscitation

his every word breathed life back into my lungs
his sincerity patched up every missing piece you took
and his eyes became my careful protectors

he is all that you could never be.

but here you are sitting on my couch
trying to convince me that you're sorry...
an addict with severe withdrawals
of being what (i thought) i wanted.
still, your eyes search mine like a microscope
seeking any trace of vulnerability
any hint that i still care


but all you can see
is that i can breathe again


and suddenly you say you'll give up smoking.

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