defrost (04.09)

i still remember freezing

and wishing the traffic light wouldn't ever turn green

your ears were cold

i could feel them when i whispered

my hands went numb

and i thought you were just too nervous

snow fell that night

you fell too, but only physically 

my feet were cold

but i guess now we know

yours were colder

it snowed today

and i think that's what reminded me

dad I owe you an apology (04.08)

I'm sorry I talk about myself

It's just that today was the first time

I haven't felt alone

In a room full of strangers

All eyes on you

Kind eyes

Listening eyes

Eyes that have seen

The same things yours have 

They've seen the same kind of pain

and denial

and felt sorry for themselves too, I bet

Dad I owe you an apology

I cried about you today

But I didn't mention everything

I cried about the pain but ignored the progress

I cried about how alone I felt but didn't mention how
you were there for me in the midst of your own suffering 

I cried about no one understanding,
yet I am the one who will never understand

I cried about how you're gone
but left out all the times I've felt you here since

Dad I owe you an apology

I cried about you today

But I need to be better at paying attention

I'm sorry I cried to you while you were suffering

I'm sorry I cried to you about your suffering

As if you could have changed it

I still cry about it

And I know that will not change

But Dad I owe you an apology

You gave me all the strength in the world

I'm just sorry I haven't figured out how to use it without you yet

where is my rescuer? (04.07)

my hope is that one of these days

you'll stop sending out lifelines--

that you'll be humble enough to put your hand in this freezing cold water

and have the strength to pull me into the boat with you

in memory (04.06)

there's too much i'm afraid to forget

his memory is not words

it is rib-crushing hugs

bad dad jokes

Jimmer's last game in the Marriott Center

the way he yelled and cheered while i danced

the funny phrases he'd say on business calls

his flyin' hawaiian shirt

Diet Coke & Sunflower Seeds

a wheezing laugh after a dirty joke

teaching me how to ride a bike

how his face always turned really red on Tower of Terror

the way he looked at you over the top of his glasses

dancing at my sisters' weddings

holding grand-babies for the first time

how he secretly loved the dog he claimed to hate

stale black licorice

Dad Rock Radio stations, and how he always sang along slightly off-key

but his memory is also

the look in his eyes when the doctor said "cancer"

a bald head and a bright smile

hours spent watching the NBA finals

all the times i heard him say goodbye

the time he told me he wasn't afraid to die

all the drives speeding on the freeway to get home, wondering if i'd get there in time

how he went from a strong man to a completely dependent frail one

the way he wept so often after his stroke

and apologized to Mom for not having the life they'd hoped for

how on that last day he put his head next to mine, and I told him "Daddy, I don't want you to suffer anymore" and he promised he wouldn't

and then he waved goodbye to us like he knew it was his time

and in his final moments of pain, he left behind the words "I love you"

He said them over and over again.

salty cheeks & bruised knees (04.02)

i've stopped feeling God the same way

but often i just feel the need to cry...

it seems like that's the only prayer of mine

He's been willing to answer lately