Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

2.18.2016

rainboots


reckless puddle jumping
only leads to skinned knees
and tears on the concrete

i dipped my toe in the water
i thought it felt fine
but when i jumped
i thought he would catch me
my feet smacked the concrete
his love was too cowardly

the puddle soaked through my socks
a feeling i thought i hated
but i enjoyed being in your arms
and when i jumped
you thought you could catch me
but you and i were never concrete
my love was only skin deep


rain

                 falls

                                           effortlessly.


i wish i could do that too.


When you fall in love, it is discovering the ocean after years of puddle jumping. 
--Sarah Kay


I know I'll make it there someday soon.







1.18.2016

the anatomical battle

you are my headache
songs of you get stuck in my head
your stupid stupid stupid songs
playing over and over
remembering over and over
me and you
over and over
and over
you are my heartache
our moments of first snows
and midnight drives
came & went
i felt all of it so much.
and i still do.

you are my headache
the kind that keeps me up at night
annoyed
frustrated
eyes rolling
head shaking
dreaming of escape routes
because i deserve better.
you are my heartache
the kind that keeps me up at night
heart racing
sheets tossing
but even though my heart aches,
i'm smiling

you are my headache
an unbalanced equation
i don't know how to solve you for e(x)
and i can't figure out wh(y)


you are my heartache
after all this time
i still can't figure out
what is coming
between u
and i
you are my headache
my migraine
my heart is numb to your pain
but my mind is not.
yet i still can't say goodbye.
you are my heartache
but not my heartbreak
my heart aches 
because it swells
and it's warm
when i'm around you



you are my headache
and you are not worth my time
but you are my heartache
and you are.




some pain is worth being felt.
and some just isn't.

choose the pain
that makes you feel more alive.

1.10.2016

slippin'

You put my love on ice skates
before it learned to walk

and in an instance we were dancing;
with elegance, you and I
On fear & thin ice


9.18.2015

stomach cartwheels and a fear of heights

we climbed the ladder and my teeth chattered. 
my spine chattered. 
my knees chattered.
my mind chattered.
i was nervous--afraid of heights
taking it slow, but taking it in

we sat atop the city that night
and saw a shooting star...the closest one i've ever seen
we laughed and spoke of things that matter
alone and closer than we've ever been

it's the way he talks about his future
the picture he finger-paints with careful hands
his idea of love in every detail,
using any and all shades of red

it's the way my stomach does cartwheels
and i take cover when the sparks start to fly
because i've learned to be afraid of real things
and something this real can't be denied

it's the way his eyes matched the jacket that wasn't blue or green
the way they are a color somewhere beautifully in between
i see it when i close my eyes, the way he looks at me gently
not searching for or expecting anything--just seeing.

but even more than this it's just the way i feel around him...

happy. loved. alive.







9.05.2015

accidental

he's the kind that takes time
he wraps himself in the blankets of your mind
and stays there until it feels just right

he talks a lot
but he does it with a fish-hook smile
luring you in, causing you
to hang on his every word
catch & release
catch & release

he laughs and says he was an "accident"
but with every glance into those bright blue eyes
I try to let him know

"if you're an accident, then you're the very best kind"


happy birthday.

8.28.2015

heart races

you're testing my athleticism
pushing me out of bounds
and I'm coming up defenseless.
we're running too fast
hearts racing for the 72 hours
that have past.
whistles blow all around us
but all I can hear
are the breaths between you and me.
your eyes seek finish lines
but darling I'm afraid
you won't find those in mine

5.20.2015

love is just a bunch of things I hate

For me, falling in love is like
A tongue twister
You can try and try
And the words still won’t come out right
And the only reason for a tongue twister
Is to make you fool

But love does that too

For me, falling in love is like
Internet Explorer
I’m still waiting for a connection
I'm getting impatient

For me, falling in love is like
Claustrophobia
Thoughts of you are closing in around my heart
And my skin feels too thin--
Like you can see my every heartbeat…
Especially when the racing starts

For me, falling in love is like
Airport security
I’m sending my soul through the scanner
Hoping not to raise any red flags…
As you’re watching my every move
I feel like you can see right through me
And this feels more like airport insecurity--
the way this tile floor feels extremely cold
without my shoes on

For me, falling in love is like
Bad Chinese food.
It’s nauseating.
But I'll admit, I still love Chinese food.
First it was “hey, do you wanna order some takeout?”
And now it’s 3AM and I’m love sick on the bathroom floor
Feeling feverish thinking about good-byes that I’m dreading to say

But I’ll feel better tomorrow

For me, falling in love is like
Running a marathon—I’ve never ran a marathon… 
but I’m two shallow breaths away from an asthma attack
and I keep running because for some reason, 
reaching the finish line is more important than my ability to breathe.

I’m wheezin’

I’m trying to keep up while trying to slow down
I don’t want to tell you how I feel…
I just bought these brand new Nikes
hoping they’d make me “just do it”
but I’ve already got 4 blisters, and I think these shoes are too big.
On the other hand, I noticed that you’re wearing converse--which you keep pristinely white, by the way--and you leave intricate footprints with every step

I’ve never been able to walk with that much perfection


For you, falling in love is also like
Running a marathon—
Except for you, it’s more of a leisurely jog
You’ve done this a thousand times
You’re passing everyone up in this race
You do it without even breaking a sweat

And I’m afraid that means your slow jog
Will always be faster than my sprint

And that my marathons
Are just another walk around your block



5.05.2015

caution tape


last night at 9:27 I didn't hate being in the back seat.
because it was a front row seat to your glances into the rearview
and our eyes met more than once.

at 9:49 you sat across the table
they joked and laughed and somehow my eyes kept finding you
i was afraid it was too much
but your eyes didn't go unnoticed either
and it was just a glance--
but it was more than one
and i began to wonder

i pretended i didn't hear you
when you made your smart remarks
or when you mumbled something about
wanting to take me home
under your breath
i pretended i didn't hear you
but i smiled
because i did.

i tried too hard like i always do
i told you that last fall i had mono twice
to make you think i'd kissed a boy
and i don't know why that matters but
i was trying too hard like i always do
making jokes that weren't funny
but you still laughed
and that's when i knew
something was happening

i'm not talking about love
or "like"
or even attraction,
i'm talking about
nitrogen, lithium, fluorine, magnesium
i'm talking about chemical reactions
i'm hydrogen
you're oxygen
the heat seems to be rising
but i'm afraid of the explosion

all i know is that your eyes are a fire hazard
and you have caution tape across your lips
i'm trying to read my gut feeling,
but there are too many butterflies in my stomach

my head and my heart are trekking across no-man's-land
knowing well that there will be no peace treaty
my head says "be smart"
my heart says "follow me"
and they don't agree on many things.

at 10:36 I drove home
well over the speed limit
because my heart was racing
and I was doing my best to beat it.

now it's 11:29 on day two and it still hasn't stopped...
but all i can see is the bright yellow caution tape across your lips.

4.26.2015

trees, love, & other things

her name was ever-green.
her leaves never lost color
and she never had a dry season.
she was deeply rooted, and easily seen
she was the tallest of all the trees.
her name was ever-green.

one day he saw her standing on her tip-toes
trying to touch the sky,
he hoped she was reaching for him
as she was the most beautiful thing
he had seen up this high.
he kissed her every day the sun went away,
just trying to get her attention.
she gave him the time of night,
but rarely the time of day;
because once the sun came out,
he didn't matter to her in any way.
on cold days he wrapped her in white blankets,
but still she preferred to sun-bathe.

he was a cloud, she was a tree
but no matter how much he tried,
he could never win the love of she.

his persistence was admired,
but not by who he thought;
unaware that every time he showered down
his touch reached a little further--
turning the soil into mud.
the soil, she soaked up his tears
when no one else could or would,
and wrapped herself in his white blankets,
hidden shaded from the sun.
she was in love with the cloud
but knew she would never be seen
because she could never reach as high,
or stand as tall
as the lovely, miss ever-green.
the soil slept every night beneath the trees,
just hoping for a storm...
knowing that alone her beauty,
could never captivate the cloud all on its own.

the tree dreamt of the sun,
the cloud dreamt of the tree,
the soil dreamt of the cloud--
and still none of them realized,
that their love was far out of their league

they reached for skies that would never be theirs,
because they had big dreams
of love and of being loved 
by someone who made them feel completely free.
love has no limits,
except for the ones we set ourselves
but often we are too busy pining for someone else
to see that there is other love out there
that will love us back
the way we deserve.


4.22.2015

the anatomy of a broken heart

It's been 4 months
and just the other day I started having chest pains.


Last December I ordered an autopsy
on this broken heart of mine,
trying to identify where the damage would lie...

Their first findings were the stab wounds
intricately shaped like every word you ever said
and even larger, gaping, gashes for the words you never did.

The word "arrhythmia" escaped their lips
and I knew exactly what caused that:
It was the first time our eyes met...
I'm pretty sure my heart never beat regularly again.

Then they discovered the tear of the atrium.
I think it tore a little more
every time you said my name
or glanced at me from afar
or wrote me back at 3am
or wrapped me in your arms

Next they said "heart attack"--
Not enough oxygen to keep this heart pumping
first impressions
late nights
long distances
making promises
telling lies
the day I found out
time after time you robbed me of my breath,
putting me under cardiac arrest.

(seriously man, not cool--It's bad enough that I have asthma)

"Ventricular Tachycardia"
light-headed (light-minded)
rapid heart beats,
heart palpitations...
it felt like love
but it was just 
miscommunication

They detected high blood pressure,
and found finger prints scarred across the arteries
I was convinced the prints were yours
but the doctor informed me that the person I fell in love with,
is the person you are no more.

It's been 4 months and I just started having chest pains.
But at least it's evidence
that so far my heart still hasn't failed me.

my heart's not failing 
it's just broken.
my heart's not failing
it's just broken.

It's been 4 months.
My heart's not failing.

I'm just having chest pains.



3.15.2015

love letter to july

Oh July. I miss you, July.

You were the definition of Summer Love.  
You were the days I spent watching the sun rise and set simultaneously.  You were the nights I spent on the balcony staring at the stars and listening to playlists that made me wonder if he too, could see the moon.  July, you were the nights I spent making pancakes with the one who looked really good when he brought the gallons of milk in from the garage... because his muscles snuck out from under that t-shirt sleeve in the best way. (And yeah, I noticed. Sue me.)  Oh July, you sounded like country music and felt like fireworks booming in my chest.  You were red hearts, white flags waved desperately, and blue eyes.  You renovated my broken heart and put it up For Sale.  Not because it was foreclosed, or because I had gone bankrupt.  The sign read: For Sale by Owner.  And I don't think I've ever put that sign up on my heart before.  July, you made me face my fears.  You put me out in the battlefield and let me fend for myself... and I did just fine.  You are the movie I wish I could remember, and you are the boy down South I wish I could forget.
July, you introduced me to people who made me better and not worse.  You were happiness.  You were the hat he looked really good in, and you were the first time I heard that stupid Nicki Minaj song.  July, you were too-big-snow-cones and uncomfortable conversation about people who didn't care anymore.  You were black sneakers, and rap songs that I pretended I knew all the words to.  You were the last dance he saved for me, and the frustration I felt when it didn't happen.  You were the first time I heard about the Failure to Launch Effect.  You were the inside jokes he whispered between scripture verses, and all the times he laughed about the boy in the cowboy hat.  July, you were that time I played ultimate frisbee, and I didn't even touch the frisbee once.  You were the surprise party I missed, and the awkward text messages I received.  You were the tug-of-war I played with my head and my heart.  July, you were the days I felt like I could talk to God.  You were the times he sprayed me with his water-bottle and I pretended I was mad about it.  You were wild animal shirts and punk rock alter-egos.  You were days that didn't end at 11:59p.m... And maybe I wasn't awake past curfew, but my heart sure was.  You were the three-legged races, the sun-tanned faces, and my heart's competitive races.  You were the hallways lined with flags from different countries and the whispers that only those flags heard.  You were the happiest hellos, and the most saddening goodbyes.  

Oh July.  I miss you, July.

3.14.2015

reasons I'm afraid I might be in love with you

Fear increases your heart rate,
and spikes your blood pressure.
Your breathing becomes rapid,
shallow, and difficult.
Your judgment becomes impaired,
And you don't make good decisions,
or think logically
about your next best move.
Time slows down,
Nothing feels real.
And when in fear...
all you can do
is feel.

But to me, that sounds a lot like love.
Which is fitting, because actually,
that's the biggest fear of mine.

And I wish I knew why.

(I've only had two panic attacks over this ^)

Maybe it's the feeling
of not being in control.
Maybe it's my fear of heights,
and knowing I have to fall.
Maybe I'm insecure,
maybe I'm afraid I can't be loved.
Or maybe it's the opposite,
maybe I can't love someone that much.

But in fact I think it's none of these,
even though I've feared these things before.
In fact I think the reason might be,
that I realized I am in love once more.

Reasons I'm Afraid I Might Be In Love With You
-I can't pinpoint when it happened.
-My friends are convinced that I am.
-There are only two and a half months of high school left.
-You gave me a chance and I didn't take it.
-The last time I talked to you, I did a dance around my kitchen.
-I told my mom about you.
-I've been listening to my stupid playlist for the last 24 hours.
-I am 100% myself around you.
-You listen to me.
-You care.
-I care.
-You've been walking around in the back of my mind for the last three months.
-I was listening to Taylor Swift yesterday, and I saw your face.


-I made this list.
(Which is perhaps, the most important reason of all.)

3.08.2015

it's a wonderful life

Life is about dipping French fries in ice cream. Life is about driving in the rain. It's about watching the sun rise over the mountain on your way to school everyday. Life is about going to crazy parties but it's also about the weekends you stay at home binge-watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix.

Life is about smiling babies and grumpy old men. It's about seeing new sights. Life is about holding hands. Life is about airport reunions. It's about rejection letters from colleges you hoped to attend. Life is about going to college anyway. Life is about forgiving and forgiving and forgiving.

Life is about loving someone who will never love you back, it's about the nights you spend looking at the stars, and it's about loving someone who will always love you back. It's about making babies laugh. Life is about climbing mountains to see the view from the top. Life is about spilling soda on yourself and finding beauty within all the imperfections.

Life is about failing tests. It's about learning. Life is about loving people more than things. Life is about screwing up. It's about getting knocked over. It's about getting knocked out. Life is about getting back up and gaining your balance only to get shot down again. Life is about getting back up and gaining your balance only to get shot down again. Life is about getting back up and gaining your balance only to get shot down again.

So when you feel like you're dying, and you can't go on any longer, remember that you're learning how much strength it takes to survive.

And remember that you have that strength.

Because although life is about pain, and adversity, and pressure, and loss, and failure... It's about a lot of other things too.

Things that make it worthwhile.

2.21.2015

eyes.


Eyes are magnificent.
They are beautiful, expressive, honest.
Eyes are unique.
Not necessarily because of color,
or shape,
or size,
But because our eyes are the truest reflection of who we are.
Eye contact is the greatest power we possess.
Lips can be deceiving, 
and the words that slip between them can be worse...
But eyes cannot lie.
Eyes always speak the truth.
Sometimes they sparkle and shine like the stars,
and sometimes they are as empty as the black night sky
that fills the spaces between them.
They are the windows to our souls.
Eyes say the words that our mouths can't find.
Eyes say infinite words that don't even exist.
Eyes tell the stories tattooed upon our hearts in invisible ink.
Eyes strike the match that sets love on fire.
And for things that make no sound,
Eyes say it all.


Look at me
Until I can see myself in your eyes.

2.11.2015

let's hear it for the boy

Love will own a pair of khaki pants.

Love will tell his mom that he loves her right in front of his friends.  He might also play the guitar.  And something about him will remind me of my dad.  

Love will laugh at me when my voice doesn't know how to sing to the radio.  Love won't know how to sing to the radio either.  But Love will sing to the radio.  At the top of his lungs. With me.  Because we'll be idiots together.  He'll always help me with the dishes, but occasionally it will turn into a water fight.  Love won't be perfect... But our arguments will never be as aggressive as our dance battles.  Love will quote rap songs in church.  He will make me laugh--when he doesn't try, and when he tries way too hard.  Love will probably have pretty severe road rage, but he will impact people's lives with his kindness.

Love's eyes will look at me in a way that I will never get used to.  He'll tell me that I talk too much, but he will still listen to every word.  He will value memories more than money.  He'll be strong enough to talk about his weaknesses.  Love will know how to appreciate things.  Love will appreciate people.   He'll take pride in his accomplishments but he will always be humble enough to open doors for strangers.  He won't be afraid to love God, and he'll never seem self-righteous about it.  Love will be a cheerleader for The Underdogs, because he will remember what it's like to be one.  He will appreciate a good view when he sees it.  Love will never be afraid to say what's on his mind, and he will always mean every word.  His strength won't come from weight-lifting, but it will come from lifting heavy weights off the shoulders of the people he cares about.

He will know better than anyone that 'love' is actually spelled t-i-m-e.

His arms will find their way around me in the quietest moments; his eyes will find mine in every crowd.

He will love me 
like no one before him ever did.
And as the years go by,
Time won't make him forget why.




2.08.2015

confessions of an awkward angsty teen

The truth is 
My mouth doesn't know how to hold its own tongue, 
and my spontaneous lips don't know when to stop.
  My teeth chatter when I'm nervous, 
and when anything geeky
or athletic
or musically talented
or attractive
or really anything labeled
"teenage male"
 comes around, 
my weak jaw can't do anything but drop.
My knees turn into rubber,
My hands go numb,
My cheeks go piping hot,
My ears steam... a lot like my rice cooker when it's all:
YO, I'M DONE.

My words turn really stupid, like they did in the line that preceded this one,
Or my words just don't sound like words at all,
Which still sounds stupid.

(but still probably not as bad as that rice cooker line)


And even when I don't say a single thing,
this eye-contact we're sharing 
feels a lot like INTERNAL SCREAMS


And to be honest, 
I've decided that this love feeling is a little nauseating.
But maybe I just have a weak stomach.
Or maybe I have the flu.
I mean, tis the season, right?
But wait,
 Valentine's Day is next week too.


Awe, shit.