stress relief

Do Not Touch
Please do not
feed the feelings
false senses of hope.

sometimes my heart feels claustrophobic

and transparent all at the same time 

like its surrounded by a chainlink fence

and they poke it with sticks to see if it still beats for them

and they throw rocks at it to see if it will continue to contract & release & forgive 

and they stare at it amazed that even with all the stitches and scars, it could burst at the seams with all the love it still wants to give

they like to unstitch the red thread that has taken years to sew onto my sleeve

they sit back in complacency

and watch as it unravels me
every emotion of mine in full transparency

they like to pick up my heart and put it in their hands

testing the pressure points somewhere between loving me and hurting me

but my heart is more than a stress ball that they play with when they're bored

so that's why I built the chainlink fence

held together by lock and key

(both of which are carried by me)

because I don't owe them heartbeats,

and I've never believed that heart races are meant to have winners--

sometimes you're just meant to feel things

but you should know that my heart is not your stress ball 

and I am worth so much more 

than the apathetic way you love me when you're bored.

the anatomical battle

you are my headache
songs of you get stuck in my head
your stupid stupid stupid songs
playing over and over
remembering over and over
me and you
over and over
and over

you are my heartache

our moments of first snows

and midnight drives

came & went

i felt all of it so much.

and i still do.

you are my headache

the kind that keeps me up at night

annoyed

frustrated

eyes rolling

head shaking

dreaming of escape routes

because i deserve better.

you are my heartache

the kind that keeps me up at night

heart racing

sheets tossing

but even though my heart aches,

i'm smiling

you are my headache

an unbalanced equation

i don't know how to solve you for e(x)

and i can't figure out wh(y)

you are my heartache

after all this time

i still can't figure out

what is coming

between u

and i

you are my headache

my migraine

my heart is numb to your pain

but my mind is not.

yet i still can't say goodbye.

you are my heartache

but not my heartbreak

my heart aches 

because it swells

and it's warm

when i'm around you

you are my headache

and you are not worth my time

but you are my heartache

and you are.

some pain is worth being felt.

and some just isn't.

choose the pain
that makes you feel more alive.

heart races

you're testing my athleticism
pushing me out of bounds
and I'm coming up defenseless.
we're running too fast
hearts racing for the 72 hours
that have past.
whistles blow all around us
but all I can hear
are the breaths between you and me.
your eyes seek finish lines
but darling I'm afraid
you won't find those in mine

technical difficulties

There is a tired that sleep can't fix,
A loneliness that even people cannot dismiss.
There are diseases that can't be cured by medication,
and suffocation that won't resolve by resuscitation.
There is a cold that coats or blankets or fireplaces cannot heat.

Cold hands. Cold feet. Cold hands. Cold feet. Cold hearts.

There are pains that can't be numbed,
and sadnesses that can't be fixed;
Not by laughter or friends 

or doctors or therapists.
There are breaths that hurt to take,
and there are hearts that only know how to break.

We are human.

I'm not saying I wish I weren't human,

Or that I wish all this pain did not exist...

I'm just saying that at least robots can be fixed.

But while my technical difficulties are not so easily repaired,
I've decided that the complexity of my human soul
is something I can bear.

Because although my skin blisters, 

And my stomach aches,

And my head pounds,

And my heart races,

And I ache

And I break

And I ache

And I break

And I feel...

Most importantly,

I heal.

Because I am alive.

I am alive, I am alive, I am alive.