Tonight he lies awake

counting stars & arranging the constellations into the shapes of her eyes

Tonight she lies awake

trying to find the words to say

"I just wish I loved you the same way."

heart races

you're testing my athleticism
pushing me out of bounds
and I'm coming up defenseless.
we're running too fast
hearts racing for the 72 hours
that have past.
whistles blow all around us
but all I can hear
are the breaths between you and me.
your eyes seek finish lines
but darling I'm afraid
you won't find those in mine

thinking on an empty stomach

she feels empty, but she doesn't know where the hollow feeling is coming from

it could be her heart--too many pieces of it bought a one way ticket to halfway around the world and I don't know if you've ever seen the shape of a human heart, but it makes a complicated puzzle even when all the pieces are accounted for. the first pieces were lost when she wasted too much time with a white knuckle grip on his every word and it wasn't long before she was reaching for something that was too far gone... and that was only the beginning.

but maybe the emptiness she feels resides behind her eyelids.  blank stares, glances at the ceiling, or too many hours spent watching trashy reality TV.  Her eyes are glazed and unfocused, unaware that each blink keeps time with the ticks of the clock--a constant countdown, eager to see the future unfold.

maybe the emptiness has engulfed her mind.  she longs for a spark of creativity, but the lights ran out of energy and now it's too dark in here to change the bulbs.  she searches her mind for beautiful moments of the past but sometimes the photographic memories are blurred and faded, too far gone.

maybe the emptiness she feels is the hunger in her stomach... she can't decide if she's paranoid about the freshman 15, or if she's just hungry for something more than counterfeit PB&Js and frozen pizza and Spongebob Mac&Cheese.  in the meantime, she fills voids of happiness with barbecue chips, but it's always short-lived.

she wonders if there's possibly a lack of oxygen in her lungs, as breathing has never been her strongest suit--blame it on the asthma, blame it on the altitude of the mountains she climbed only to find disappointment at the top. she's drowning in fear but knows she has nothing to be afraid of

but maybe the emptiness she feels, isn't emptiness at all.

maybe the emptiness is waiting patiently

for something more beautiful than the past

to fill in the cracks.

natural disaster

a tornado in my mind

an earthquake in my heart

a flash flood beneath my eyelids

lightning strikes at every nerve

hurricanes brew within my lungs

avalanches race down my spine

but i tell myself i'm fine.

disconnect.

The dots connected 

enough times for us 

to make this work 

but the dots stopped 

the day we decided to try

a shoreline

a door knob

a hand of yours

to call mine

Barely out of reach

a missed train

a flight delay

a beautiful sunset

flooded by rain

It just wasn't meant to be. 

love is just a bunch of things I hate

For me, falling in love is like

A tongue twister

You can try and try

And the words still won’t come out right

And the only reason for a tongue twister

Is to make you fool

But love does that too

For me, falling in love is like

Internet Explorer

I’m still waiting for a connection

I'm getting impatient

For me, falling in love is like

Claustrophobia

Thoughts of you are closing in around my heart

And my skin feels too thin--

Like you can see my every heartbeat…

Especially when the racing starts

For me, falling in love is like

Airport security

I’m sending my soul through the scanner

Hoping not to raise any red flags…

As you’re watching my every move

I feel like you can see right through me

And this feels more like airport insecurity--

the way this tile floor feels extremely cold

without my shoes on

For me, falling in love is like

Bad Chinese food.

It’s nauseating.

But I'll admit, I still love Chinese food.

First it was “hey, do you wanna order some takeout?”

And now it’s 3AM and I’m love sick on the bathroom floor

Feeling feverish thinking about good-byes that I’m dreading to say

But I’ll feel better tomorrow

For me, falling in love is like

Running a marathon—I’ve never ran a marathon… 

but I’m two shallow breaths away from an asthma attack

and I keep running because for some reason, 

reaching the finish line is more important than my ability to breathe.

I’m wheezin’

I’m trying to keep up while trying to slow down

I don’t want to tell you how I feel…

I just bought these brand new Nikes

hoping they’d make me “just do it”

but I’ve already got 4 blisters, and I think these shoes are too big.

On the other hand, I noticed that you’re wearing converse--which you keep pristinely white, by the way--and you leave intricate footprints with every step

I’ve never been able to walk with that much perfection

For you, falling in love is also like

Running a marathon—

Except for you, it’s more of a leisurely jog

You’ve done this a thousand times

You’re passing everyone up in this race

You do it without even breaking a sweat

And I’m afraid that means your slow jog

Will always be faster than my sprint

And that my marathons

Are just another walk around your block

caution tape

last night at 9:27 I didn't hate being in the back seat.
because it was a front row seat to your glances into the rearview
and our eyes met more than once.

at 9:49 you sat across the table
they joked and laughed and somehow my eyes kept finding you
i was afraid it was too much
but your eyes didn't go unnoticed either
and it was just a glance--
but it was more than one
and i began to wonder

i pretended i didn't hear you
when you made your smart remarks
or when you mumbled something about
wanting to take me home
under your breath
i pretended i didn't hear you
but i smiled
because i did.

i tried too hard like i always do
i told you that last fall i had mono twice
to make you think i'd kissed a boy
and i don't know why that matters but
i was trying too hard like i always do
making jokes that weren't funny
but you still laughed
and that's when i knew
something was happening

i'm not talking about love
or "like"
or even attraction,
i'm talking about
nitrogen, lithium, fluorine, magnesium
i'm talking about chemical reactions
i'm hydrogen
you're oxygen
the heat seems to be rising
but i'm afraid of the explosion

all i know is that your eyes are a fire hazard
and you have caution tape across your lips
i'm trying to read my gut feeling,
but there are too many butterflies in my stomach

my head and my heart are trekking across no-man's-land
knowing well that there will be no peace treaty
my head says "be smart"
my heart says "follow me"
and they don't agree on many things.

at 10:36 I drove home
well over the speed limit
because my heart was racing
and I was doing my best to beat it.

now it's 11:29 on day two and it still hasn't stopped...
but all i can see is the bright yellow caution tape across your lips.