a grown up game of heads up seven up

i'm 19
and you say you're coming over

suddenly i'm in 1st grade
playing heads up seven up
i'm peeking.
i'm watching for his shoes
and i find them.

and then i'm in 2nd grade
dancing around my room
singing "accidentally in love" by smash mouth
and smiling about the boy on the playground
(i know. romantic)

i'm 19
and you say you're coming over
and i know what comes next

but suddenly i'm in 6th grade
typing "i have a crush on you"
into Facebook messenger
and the next day at school
i ignore him completely

and then i'm at my 16th birthday party
feeling confident & courageous
and when i tell him i like him after 3 years
he says he just doesn't feel the same

i'm 19
and you say you're coming over
and i know what comes next
and i'm nervous

but suddenly i'm a junior in high school
dating a boy who doesn't care
so one day when i blurt out my feelings
it completely freaks him out

and then i'm a senior
my heart's set on late nights & long distances
giving him the benefit of every doubt
one day i tell him how i feel
only to find out he feels the same way--
for someone else.

i'm 19
and you say you're coming over
and i know what comes next
and i'm nervous
because i've done this before

but suddenly i'm 18.75
leaning against vending machines
and meeting you for the second time
and forgetting your name

and them i'm 18.9
hugging you and realizing
that you and I
may not be
exactly what we thought

i'm 19
and you're here sitting on my couch
waiting for me to say something
and all these memories make me nervous
because it all went wrong before

but i'm 19 now,
and it's different.
and you're different.


and both of us are smiling.