hostage heart

I promised myself I wouldn't let this hurt me anymore
I promised myself that with every mile, these feelings would dissipate
I promised myself that the farther you got away from me, these heartbeats for you would decrease in frequency

but this just won't be.

because a radio wave can travel
983,571,056 in one second
and you are well within that proximity
these heartbeats still sending out clear signals--
giving science total control over me.

I wish you knew that 1,091 miles away there is a girl
who cringes when she thinks about the way things never ended
because she still smiles at each and every memory

and laughs at the irony of the song
"A Thousand Miles"
because she remembers the night you quoted White Chicks for an hour
in the front seat of your expedition, and when that song came on,
you sang it together
and you both sucked
but in that moment it was just you and her
carefree & happy--so happy.

I wish you knew that 1,091 miles away there is a girl
and you're still driving her crazy.

I hope that sometimes you think about me


When you are knocking on a door for the first time
and you're full of uncertainty,
I hope that feeling reminds you of how nervous you were
knocking on the door of apartment 207
anxious to finally meet me

When you've been walking for 8 hours
and your feet hurt with each step that hits the pavement,
I hope you remember the night
we walked up and down the sidewalk on Center Street
with your arm around me, & people staring

When the heat gets to be too much and your palms start to sweat,
I hope it reminds you of the moment you made the first move,
and we held hands for a long time
but neither of us were about to let go

When you're headed down an open road in the middle of nowhere,
I hope you remember that scene in Tommy Boy
(the one with the dead deer inside the car)
and I hope you can still hear my laugh
and how it sounded a little nervous

because I knew you were about to kiss me

When you're lying awake on sleepless nights,
I hope you remember how easily you rested in my arms
on the night I didn't want to leave



I hope you haven't forgotten me.



Because for the last 128 days
thoughts of you have held me hostage
and now time & distance torture me


because now I know it is possible

                 that I could love you

                        but for 689 more days

                                                                                                       I have to do it

silently.